We have all been there, standing, watching, cringing, crying, yelling as we have just witnessed a relationship end.
Most of us develop this idea from a young age, which stays with us as we get older, that it is always the other persons fault that it has ended. Even if you did the breaking up.
The harsh truth is though, that where there is a relationship, there are two people at play. Which means both parties are equally responsible for it ending.
And I am not just necessarily talking about sexual partnerships, friendships count in this as well.
Now, you might be thinking.. “well, I didn’t think it would end” or “how was i supposed to know that it wouldn’t last”
And, with that in mind, here are 10 ways I have noticed in my short 24 years of relationships with others to ruin a relationship.
1. Jump to conclusions
We have all done it. Something goes wrong. But before we give the other person a chance to explain we have already concocted a 10 page essay on what has happened and we get so caught up in that make believe story that we don’t even give the other person the time of day to say “hang on, you are completely wrong here…”
Now, imagine this happening in reverse, and every time you make a mistake you have to rewrite someones narrative, which is completely incorrect. You’d get frustrated too.
2. Not communicating
This is a HUGE one. What is the point in a relationship with anyone if there is no communication.
I don’t just mean talking through your problems etc. But actually picking up the phone and asking them how they are, or whats new.
We are so busy running about our lives that we forget that a quick status update on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter isn’t enough to keep a connection alight with anyone. Friend, Family, Loved one.. it doesn’t matter.
If you want to keep the relationship healthy and prevent the drifting apart. Slow down once in a while and pick up the phone, or meet up even for an hour and chat.
3. Being too stubborn to say sorry
I know this one all too well.
We mess up. A disagreement starts because of it and both parties say some horrible things to one another.
So our egos are hurt and because of that our stubbornness kicks into over drive and we become too stubborn to apologise for any wrong doing or hurt caused.
What happens here is that you both end up going about lives like nothing happened, both bruised and resentful and eventually another argument will happen and the batterings end up becoming worse and worse until the strain on the relationship is too much and it ends.
My theory here is that, in an argument, both parties at some point say something that shouldn’t be said, or don’t listen well enough, or act badly etc.
So, whether you were the cause of the argument starting or not, an apology is always necessary, and it doesn’t make you the weaker person.
4. Asking advice from others outside of the relationship
Its natural to want to vent to someone when things are going tough. And often in the venting advice is given to help you through. But seeking advice about what to do with the relationship is deadly. Because when we do this, we are forgetting that the other person isn’t apart of this relationship and they won’t fully understand what goes on between you and the other. So any advice given is from their perspective in best interest, based on the venting they have heard. This is not necessarily for the relationships best interest.
What we are essentially doing is avoiding working through a problem with the actual person involved. And if we dont take the persons advice we sought, (and sometimes even if we do) when the dynamics of that relationship change it can cause resentment and another problem in a once healthy relation.
5. Living in the past
This means bringing past actions from other failed relations into a new one. Or assuming because ___ happened with ____ that it means that it will happen again.
You are setting yourself up to fail by doing this
Every relationship (old, new or likewise) is different. Some things affect a relationship in one way and in a completely different way with another.
6. Holding grudges
Remember that argument that happened two years ago, you cant remember the exact details, but you know it upset you and something was said that you have been holding onto?
Let it go.
If you didn’t resolve the problem then and there, holding onto is not going to do you any good. Because when new arguments inevitably start, you need a fresh mind in order to work through it correctly, not one clogged with rubbish that happened all those arguments ago that cloud judgment.
7. Being to busy
This one goes hand in hand with not communicating. If you can’t find time in your busy schedule to spend with each other, eventually the relationship will drift apart. It won’t be because of an argument or because you don’t like each other anymore. It will simply be because you both have forgotten what it is like to be friends together, have grow so much without each other that you become strangers
So find some time. Any time you can give will do
8. Holding onto a bad relationship
This one can be a tough one. Because we all want the best out of any relationship and this usually means we over look a lot of shit behaviour.
But if your gut is telling you that something isn’t quite right with the dynamics between you two. Then it’s time to leave. No questions
Because the longer you hold onto a bad relationship, the longer you keep reasoning with yourself that it isn’t as bad as it seems. The more you have to convince yourself of how good they are, or that things will change. Or things you ignore.
The more you do these things, the sooner this relationship will become toxic.
Toxic relations need to be ended.
It doesn’t matter who this relationship is with, for your own mental sanity, it needs to end… and the sooner the better.
It is excruciatingly hard
But you deserve better and it is never to late to walk away
9. Living the way the other person wants you to
The sentence usually goes along the line of “it would be better if you ________ instead of ________”
This is the other person saying something negative about who you are, how you think, what you wear, the way you act etc etc and essentially telling you that you aren’t good enough the way you are.
Unfortunately, because it is human nature to want to be accepted, we listen eagerly and start to shed the layers of ourselves and become a redesigned model accordingly.
We lose ourselves
The worst part about this is that when we realise what we have sacrificed for the relationship and start missing our self the way we were. We become spiteful.. and inevitably, the relationship ends
10. Making the other person live the way you think they should
Think of the above in reverse.
Suggestions for if you are wanting the person to make slight adjustments for their own good and not yours is to instead is to tell them how you feel that the way they are being seems detrimental and that you feel that their best interest would be to act differently
ALWAYS make sure you tell them that you love them the way they are, but are concerned for them and that you really think they should CONSIDER your suggestion
So that’s the 10 sure fire ways I have come to discover.
Perhaps you have identified with some of them in current relations. Perhaps you recognise the patterns from past failed relations.
Maybe not… but it’s worth keeping in mind